This is probably one of the toughest things I have ever had to endure. It’s so much further from a physical pain, it’s this massive gray cloud that is hanging over me every second that I’m awake. Jacob is the only thing that I can think about while awake and I try my hardest to be with him as much as possible. My milk is still not in, but even if it were I still couldn’t feed him.
Around 2:00 this morning they put little Jacob on oxygen and an IV. Since he’s still not breathing enough they are hoping that placing him on oxygen will help somehow. Since they are waiting on the results of the blood cultures that they took yesterday, they are having to feed him and give him antibiotics through an IV that they placed in his left hand. That was one of the hardest things to watch them do. The little splint that they used to stabilize his IV to his hand was so tiny it just made you so depressed to look at it.
I know his problems are not nearly as devastating as others who have their children in the NICU, but the fact that I am completely helpless and that there is absolutely nothing that I, as his mother, can do to help make him better is so painful.
I don’t know how he is able to sleep with that obstruction on his arm (I wonder if he’ll favor that arm at all in the future). He sure is a peaceful little guy though. I always look forward to visiting him. I go to the NICU about every 2-3 hours. I hold him for as long as I physically can and then go back to my room for more pain meds. and take a little nap, then go back to the NICU and do it all over again. When I was holding him a few hours ago I started singing him a song (My Heavenly Father Loves Me) that I sang almost every night while pregnant with him. After the first line Jacob started smiling. I’m sure he just had gas but it was nice to think that he somehow knew me and knew that song. It helped me feel marginally better about leaving him every few hours.
I had my nurse track down an electric breast pump so that I can start stimulating my milk production. I’m barely getting any colostrum out now but I’m hoping that with more stimulation my milk will be in by the time Jacob is ready and able to breastfeed.
I’m so glad we have these wonderful doctors and nurses working on him and I. We are truly blessed to be at this hospital with this great neonatal care!