Tonight we held book club at my house. I am in love with the book for this month. It’s a wonderful book by Dr. John Lund called “For All Eternity”. I’ve actually been listening to it over the past several weeks, and Jared and I started listening to it together during the drive to and from Salt Lake.
It is an excellent book that I think any person should read or listen to. It talks about how to communicate with your spouse. And even though Jared and I have been happily married for 10 years and have a great relationship, it’s a breath of fresh air to try to implement some of these techniques.
Just to give you an idea…
…the first CD talked about the physical differences between a woman’s brain and a man’s brain and how, while the male is still in the womb, his brain is hit with several amounts of androgens which makes him a compartmentalized mind later in life. It’s not something that’s learned or that can be overcome and that’s something us, as women, need to accept and not try to change. Women are able to think, listen, and respond all at the same time while a man cannot. He has to jump between each (at the speed of light) but it makes it that much harder to listen and respond at the rate that us women expect. It was fascinating!
…the second CD talked about owning your words! This is something that Jared and I have been working on and it’s really going well. What it is is just mean what you say and say what you mean. Don’t take into account the facial expressions and tone of voice of the person you’re talking with, just listen to the words. If they say “Nothing” then take it as they have nothing they want to talk about and don’t keep hounding them. At the same time, if you say “Nothing” then don’t get upset if they leave it at that and they don’t press the issue. Don’t play games!
…one of the other CD’s talked about using the language of request and respect. Don’t parent your spouse, and at the same time you shouldn’t have to ask permission to do things. Talk about it openly and honestly using phrases like “I would love it if…” or “I’d appreciate it if you’d…” Those simple changes make others more willing to respond openly and with love instead of resentment.
… something else he talked about was finding out your love language and the love language of your spouse. He included a quiz that I typed out for you incase you wanted to try it. Keep in mind that you can be more than one, so after you’re done circling the answer that best describes you, tally up how many A’s, B’s, or C’s you circled.
- 1. What statement best describes you?
- a. Are you a deeply feeling person
- b. Are you a talking, sharing person
- c. Are you a doing, showing person
- 2. As a child, the thing I remember receiving was…
- a. Affection
- b. Verbal praise
- c. Rewards
- 3. My family (family of origin) demonstrated love by…
- a. Touching
- b. Telling
- c. It was just understood
- 4. As a child, I remember being…
- a. Spanked
- b. Yelled at
- c. Grounded
- 5. People need to be more considerate of…
- a. Other people’s feelings
- b. How they speak to each other
- c. Other people’s time and schedules
- 6. In communicating affection to my mate, I prefer to give…
- a. Tender kisses
- b. Tender words
- c. A gift of tender meaning
- 7. I would most enjoy receiving from my companion…
- a. A hug and kiss when we meet in the evening
- b. An opportunity to talk about the days’ events
- c. A phone call during the day
- 8. For a small gift, I would most enjoy receiving…
- a. A coupon that said “good for one back rub or foot massage”
- b. A personal handwritten letter expressing appreciation
- c. Working with me on a pet or favorite project
- 9. I am most frustrated by…
- a. Insensitive people
- b. Critical people
- c. Unfair people
- 10. I need to spend more time with my mate talking about…
- a. Positive things
- b. Significant events and others
- c. Alternatives and solutions
- 11. I would prefer…
- a. Quietly walking hand-in-hand
- b. A positive hear-to-heart talk
- c. A clean house or a well-kept yard
- 12. It is more important to have my mate …
- a. Be with me
- b. Talk about my hopes and dreams
- c. Remember to run an errand for me
- 13. I would rather…
- a. Be embraced and treated affectionately
- b. Be told that I’m loved
- c. Be shown that I’m loved
- 14. What I admire in a friend is…
- a. Unconditional acceptance
- b. Availability and understanding
- c. Loyalty and dependability
- 15. I would prefer to have my mate…
- a. Reach out and touch me
- b. Say “I love you”
- c. Surprise me with a good deed
- 16. My idea of a great weekend is…
- a. Spending time just being together
- b. Visiting with friends and family
- c. Getting lots of projects accomplished
- 17. With which of these statements do you most agree.
- a. I’d rather hold hands in public or walk arm-in-arm and mean it than live in a fancy house
- b. I would rather be told I was loved than married to a workaholic who’s always giving me everything but them
- c. You shouldn’t have to tell someone you love them all the time, they should know it by the way they are treated
- 18. The thing that upsets me most about children is…
- a. Not being affectionate
- b. Talking back
- c. Not being obedient
- 19. The thing that upsets me most about my loved on…
- a. Lack of intimacy
- b. Failure to communicate
- c. Lack of responsibility
- 20. I would rather have my mate…
- a. Be physically expressive and touching
- b. Recognize my efforts with words of appreciation
- c. Demonstrate their appreciation by doing something I can see
- 21. When I get upset as a parent I would be more inclined to…
- a. Spank
- b. Scold
- c. Withdraw privileges
- 22. As a parent of a young child I would prefer…
- a. Holding or wrestling with them
- b. Reading a story to them
- c. Taking them to the park
- 23. I feel good…
- a. Just being held
- b. Being able to fully express myself
- c. Getting things done
- 24. Which statement best describes you?
- a. Are you physically expressive?
- b. Are you verbally expressive?
- c. Are you accomplishment oriented?
- 25. As a sign of caring for me, I would like to receive from my loved ones…
- a. Lots of affection
- b. Sincere praise
- c. Hands on help
- 26. I would prefer to have my mate…
- a. Spend more one-on-one time with me
- b. Pay me a compliment
- c. Show greater participation in doing the daily tasks
A – The physical _____
B – The verbal _____
C – The visual _____
This will help you and your spouse better communicate your love to each other. For example, if I were a visual (which I am), it would mean more to me and I would feel more appreciated if Jared were to mop the floor while I was out one evening (which he did earlier this week 🙂 ). I would still appreciate it if he were to come home with flowers or a treat or when he snuggles me, but it means more to me if he does an action. Conversely, Jared is more of a verbal so it means the world to him when I use encouraging words and words of affection.
Anyway, that was a really long way for me to tell you to go out and get this book because it will only better your relationship, and who doesn’t want that!!!