I don’t know why it has taken me all week to think of this (especially when Brianna suggested before I left), but in missing the family so much, I want to be with them in any way that I can, and this blog just might help me make it through this.
It has been the longest week of my life. The loneliest, too. I was talking to Grandma Pat, and she said, “But you were single before.” But when I was single, I didn’t know that I was missing half of me thousands of miles away and I didn’t have four other pieces of my heart having wonderful experiences of their own that I desire to share with them so dearly.
A couple years ago, I read Elder Maxwell’s biography “A Disciple’s Life.” Great book. In it, he teaches that if you are serious about truly becoming a disciple of Jesus Christ, then at some point, you will be asked to sacrifice that which you hold most dear in order to follow Him. I took that to heart, and struggled. After deep thought, I realized that my grand piano was dearest to me, and I thought of the rich young prince, “Sell all that thou hast, and come follow me.” I worked at it until I was at peace with selling that piano if I had to in order to move our family to be where the Lord needs us. I never thought that He would ask me to sacrifice my family. It was never part of the analysis. I had simply assumed that the family was making the sacrifice together, and here is where I was blindsided. I thought that I had it all figured out, ready to sacrifice anything to serve the Lord. He always finds a way to teach us something new. So here I am, doing the hardest thing that I have ever had to do to serve the Lord and become a truer disciple. It is physically, emotionally, and spiritually painful.
Times like these make you second guess some things, just to make sure that they are right. I know that “this, too, shall pass,” but seriously?! I have easily never done anything this hard. Sometimes it takes these experiences to remind me that Brianna is by far the tougher of the two of us. I don’t know how she does it, but there’s something in her that is so grounded in the gospel. I could spend a thousand lifetimes and still not have shown her how grateful I am for her. Benjamin, Emma, Joseph and Jacob sure are lucky.
Back to my thoughts. I will do this, for us to look back on, or if only to get it all out for right now. I miss them, and there is no other way to put it. How I loath going through trials. I pray that Heavenly Father will strengthen us over these next few months. That’s where our focus needs to be. My feelings are only incidental, and I don’t know what the big picture is, but it’s there, and I’m sure that it is a beautiful one.
Well, I’m feeling a little better now. That is therapeutic. Now I know why Brianna does it!